Eldering

My mother and her sisters

“I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape ill health. I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old. I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death. All that is dear to me & everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.” Thich Nhat Hanh

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Hekate, the Goddess of the crossroads, the underworld, and the portal into life beyond death, has guarded the path of elderhood for thousands of years. The darkness of this time of life, usually looked upon as undesirable and something to be afraid of, and definitely something to avoid in any way possible, is inevitable. Unfortunately, in our culture it is not treated with respect, love and compassion. I would like to change that.

At 3, I danced around my grandfather’s grave bringing a sense of eternal life to those mourning his death. When I was 8-years old, after visiting Aunt Susie, a family friend, with my mother for over a year as this lovely old lady adjusted to life after having a stroke, I attended her funeral. This was my first (conscious) encounter with death. Shortly before his death I visited Jack, another family friend, as he lay in his hospital bed, badly bloated from ill-functioning kidneys. My beloved grandmother died of a heart attack when I was 16. At 31 I cared for my mother as she endured daily radiation at Tufts and was present when she passed. While in the hospital when I was 35, my father required assurance that his family would be ok if he passed, which he did the morning after I requested that his doctor inform him that he would not recover. Five years later my FIL passed when I entered his hospital room. I am not afraid of death. Being present at this portal to the next stage has been my path all my life. I am a queen, a creatrix, and a death accompanist.

I think about eldering as a vibrant path of becoming. Now that I am an elder myself, I see clearly that most people are afraid of this stage of life and judge those who are experiencing it. Your friends, spouse, or family members are dying. Who will be the last one standing, I ask? Of the 9 cousins in my immediate family, there are just 4 of us left. As an elder, we worry about what is ahead on the path for us; poor health, weakness, confusion, loneliness, unfinished business? Many avoid considering these things, and yet it is inevitable that we grow old and die. We can’t avoid it. We must consider how we want to live this elder life, what we want to leave to the world, and whose voice we want to hear whispering in our ear as we make this journey through death to what lies beyond.

We need these time-tested elders. We need their mature wisdom. We need the Wise Women, the guardians of the healing darkness that lies beyond this world of living light. I propose a deep reset regarding how we view, treat, and live with the elders among us. Let’s begin by sharing stories of the elders that surround us or are us. Let’s ask them about their life experiences, their joys, their sorrows, their proud moments, their fears, and their great earned wisdom. Once they are gone from this earth that wisdom is no longer ours to incorporate into our own hearts. From those elders in your family to those you meet as you are out in the world. Read about them, celebrate them, and treasure them. Julia Louis-Dreyfus has a stellar podcast called Wiser Than Me in which she interviews iconic older women who possess the wisdom only age provides. Check it out and watch your days for the presence of elder wisdom and love.